


Once Upon a December

by apricty



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Choi Soobin is in a band, First Love, Fluff, Happy New Year!, Kissing, M/M, Pianist Huening Kai, Slice of Life, idk how to tag, kai is too kind, slightest onesided soogyu but its a secret, sookai happy ending. dw sookaists, taejun in love idc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28399383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricty/pseuds/apricty
Summary: Huening Kai is a renowned pianist in the classical music scene, known for his sorrowful performances which started after he met Soobin, a December, in Russia.The nostalgia of what happened seven years ago comes back: Memories of a short-lived, young love.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33
Collections: TXT through the world





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hearthyuka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearthyuka/gifts).



> Emily, you deserve this one, for always waiting for me, for always cheering for me, for being the first one to read my stories with an open heart, and for always staying by my side listening to the foolish ideas I get from time to time and my not-so-great rantings about life, I love you! Happy New Year!
> 
> I also want to say I am sorry, I wish I could gift you a better story, you know it is hard for me to not judge my work a bit harshly, though I've been trying to be kinder to it, especially since writing in past tense is not my forte... I know you will understand, but I promise to make it better _for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i wrote this small piece of work while listening to this [playlist](https://soundcloud.com/bop-87215053/sets/once-upon-a-december)! just in case you'd want to check it out with music ^^

нет ху́да без добра́

"You have to fill in these," the woman says without emotion, gesturing at the bunch of papers on the table. He lifts and skims through the pages filled with questions: _how long have you been playing? What is your favorite part of it? How does it feel?_ They read.

"Do they copy-paste?"

"Probably," she replies while leaving a cup of hot coffee by his side. "The first page is for a radio show, next two for magazines, don't go too personal but be interesting," He humphs to the requests, same as always, don't do this, do that, avoid this but always talk about that. The questions are repetitive and most of them will receive similar answers, switching up some words and keeping it going, _easy_. The woman leaves the room.

He fills the first pages in the blink of an eye, maybe it's because he already knows what to answer to all of these. The second page is not much different until he stomps with _what's your present state of mind?_ Well, that's new, he skips.

Next question. _How was Russia?_

"Russia was…"

_Oh,_ how much he longs for it.

Memories of December roll as a sequence of images in front of his eyes. Russia, Saint Petersburg, night lights, hot coffee, and a boy of pink hair and a white knitted sweater singing.

Kai stood in front of the Neva river, as long and wide it extended past the Palace bridge, completely frozen, a blue filter covered the air of the city accentuating the white snow. And as the cold wind blew over his face, from behind he felt the ever warm touch of two arms embracing him from the shoulders.

_"I found you."_

But that was a long time ago. Many things were happening in his life back then when he was still 19 and his music teacher presented the chance of playing in Russia, his life would completely change after that.

❆

It would be an understatement to say Kai was good when he started because he was wonderful and already known by many Koreans interested in the classical music scene. Kai was _so_ good that somehow his teacher got him a contract as the pianist of the live orchestra for The Nutcracker ballet in St. Petersburg —for two months until the original pianist recovered from whatever he was suffering at that time. This, he took as an opportunity to grow outside his home country.

"And what did he say?" The boy of the big eyes spoke first, Taehyun, his backpack hanging from the side as usual, and his hands hidden inside his pockets.

"He said, and I quote: 'You should take this as a chance to practice and focus, then come back to win the competition'," Kai replied covering his face with the paper in his hands, it wasn't that he didn't want to win but the resources he was given to win with.

"Why are you so worried? You've won every competition _ever,_ " and Taehyun was right, he had won every time, but it was thanks to him choosing the easy musical pieces, presto, and allegro, speedy joyful songs had always been easier to play and interpret for him thanks to his cheerful self.

"I know I am great, I know I can excel all those pianists but not until I get the gist of _this_ song" he hit the music sheet with his hand "then why would I be going to the competition if I do not understand what I'm playing? If I can't embody those feelings? I wonder if the composer even understood what he was composing..." Kai whined, he spent days and nights practicing the same notes over and over again, and it sounded great even if he couldn't feel it, the piece didn't require complicated finger movements, the tone was kept throughout the melody, the fingers never rushed from key to key (though that was his specialty).

"Which was it again?"

"Gymnopédie by Satie."

"Didn't you say you hated Satie?"

"He had no business composing all those down-tempo pieces!"

Taehyun looked up to the sky, in a reminiscing kind of way. "Look," he said with furrowed eyebrows, "you need to feel the emotion of the song, let yourself give in to the melody and the graciousness of your fingers fleeting through the keys." _Hmm,_ _he had tried that._

"You don't have control," Yeonjun meddled in, arms crossed. "If you can execute jolly melodies but can't do the same with slow-paced songs then you have no control, it isn't only about powerful presentations, with control also comes gracefulness and looseness," he lifted his chin, "like looking natural while making a [_Calypso leap_ ,](https://gfycat.com/enviousagileflyinglemur-lexa-tiller-calypso-dance-split-leap) make the audience feel the pain of strongly jumping and inevitably having to fall."

"How poetic, hyung...," Taehyun mocked his older friend. "Yeonjun-hyung is comparing those two because it took him a life to properly execute that jump, and he is always disappointed in his landing," Yeonjun humphed but kept his mouth shut.

"I try to, I really try to, and I want to embody the nostalgia, but I can't seem to get it right, this is an easy piece, but for me... it isn't easy at all."

"Try breaking your heart," Taehyun said full of irony, he even laughed right after, but Kai didn't say anything. "Don't tell me you are actually thinking about it?"

"Not gonna happen," the slightest doubt in his voice, maybe his ballet dancer friends were not that wrong, and he just needed the experience to understand. His mind couldn’t let him forget that his life depended on that competition. "I have to go home now, I'm leaving in two weeks and I need to practice the score for the Nutcracker for the time."

"Don't waste time thinking, _do,”_ Yeonjun said as he patted Kai's back. "And remember to bring warm clothing, and something for us!"

"We have to go to practice too! Good luck!" Taehyun waved his hand and held Yeonjun by the arm dragging him to their school entrance.

"Good luck to you too!"

Kai made sure of searching every night and day before leaving for information on Saint Petersburg, places to eat, places to visit, things to do (besides practicing, he wasn’t going to waste the chance of his life like that). But his thorough investigation didn't prepare him a bit.

_Because Russia was..._

#  **Cold**

He had arrived early Monday morning of December, the interior lights of the metro were dim, so soft he could barely find his way around, he thanked the diversity in his family for his knowledge in English because that was how he communicated with some locals to find his way out; sadly, and from previous research, he knew most of them couldn't speak English… so it took him a while. If he would've had more time he would've learned Russian, enough to move through town on his own. All that didn't matter now.

Outside, the moon was out, the sky was dark and the town was cold, and Yeonjun was right... because Russia was not _only cold,_ but _icy cold,_ even with two sweaters on the freezing air could go through the fabric till touching his skin; wearing fluffy gloves had to become a habit to keep his fingers safe and warm.

On the other hand, the city exceeded his expectations, Saint Petersburg's streets were filled with lights and though he would've liked to see an unfrozen river it still looked stunning under the moonlight, _maybe I could step on it,_ that's something he’d always wanted to try, that moment more than ever because of how thick the ice looked.

The snow-loaded roofs of the houses and buildings were very pretty in a city with a baroque style. People covered in layers of clothing and big coats, warm and cozy cafés were found at every corner and some pubs started to open, the air was so cold that misty clouds of breath could be seen.

A bluish filter covered the city.

He asked here and there hoping for help to find his apartment, and he was glad that people were nice enough to try giving him directions to the small (of even smaller rooms) place he was going to stay in. Inside four walls with old olive paint falling from them, a small bed, and a kitchen —not like he knew how to cook— he was going to spend at least two months, Fridays and Sundays performing at the theater and the rest of the days probably walking around town.

 _"This is not a vacation trip!"_ his teacher had said. He didn't care.

It was Kai's first time traveling by himself, in another country where he had not much to do until Sunday, so he decided that if he was going to spend two whole months in a different city _for free,_ he had to enjoy it. And since he was all alone, the internet wasn't properly working, and the sun was starting to rise, he took his jacket and left.

He tried his best to not let himself down.

His first walk was through snowed streets under a pink sky fading to blue. _Lovely._ It was nice, the people, the food not so much —he tried a few restaurants, but no taste could compare to his mom's soup, to kimchi, to tteokbokki or to pupa… the meat was alright, though not the best.

In Saint Petersburg nights were not much different to mornings, days were short and nights felt long (they started much earlier than he was used to), but the streetlights and the buildings made up for it. Many places were open, some of them he saw open from early morning: the cafés, some restaurants, and the pubs from where colorful dim lights came out.

The day had been _OK, regular, unsurprising_ , mostly because he wandered alone and his feet were already hurting, at some point he thought of searching for a tour guide, but his budget wasn't big—and the city wasn't cheap, he learned that with the flavorless food from earlier—, the remaining rest was reserved to be spent all on food for surviving and souvenirs for his friends.

Just like him, his mind wandered a lot during the day, with the constant reminder that he had to be practicing instead of losing time, not doing it made him feel guilty, yet in his mind, the guilt would be bigger if he didn’t take _many_ steps around a different country; but a voice stopped his walk, much like a mermaid's singing captivating a marine in the ocean, head empty _._

He should've kept walking, he should've, but he didn't, for he had to meet the source of such sweet voice coming from inside a near pub, so he walked to it.

 _"No drinking,"_ his mom had told him.

Kai was let in, and there he asked for a light drink; at first, his intent was only to look at the owner of the voice, but wouldn't it be weird if he only stared at the singer and left?

The band was at the very front under lights of color, two tall guitarists of raven hair completely merged in their fingers running through the strings, a pianist enjoying the crowd's energy and playing with excitement the joyful melody and the singer… he stood lazily holding his mic, with eyes closed merged in the song, with a washed-out pink hair, under a dim blue light that along with his white sweater made him look like an angel.

Kai didn't miss the way the singer looked at him once his eyes opened, a subtle smile on his lips, and _why would that boy make his heart move like that with little to no effort?_ That boy wearing a knitted white sweater that made him look all warm in the middle of a cold night, adding the specs and beret to the sweet voice and the cleanest falsetto he had ever heard, completely out of this world. Was the boy a delusion his mind created?

Maybe.

And maybe it should've remained like that, because after the presentation was over, and he was left wordless in front of the stage, embellished by how the singer went down the stage and straight-up walked to him.

He had no time to think, nor will to run.

"I like you," those were the first words the boy said, _quite weird_ and _too soon_ Kai thought, but he also was extremely inclined to accept he liked the boy back, from the way his heart skipped many beats each time the boy smiled and how he had to lift his head a bit to look at his eyes. "Are you new here?"

"This morning, I arrived."

"Sounds great," the pink-haired boy gushed, the conversation had started in English until he asked: "where are you from?"

"Korea."

Then the taller boy covered his mouth with his hand and his discourse continued in Korean; Kai wouldn't admit it, but it felt really nice having someone making him feel at home far from it "Me too!” he was noticeably excited “Woah… you don't look-"

"I get that one a lot." Kai sipped from his drink, "I am mixed."

"Oh," the singer giggled, "and what are you doing here?"

"Came to play the piano for a musical."

"Anastasia's I guess," Kai shook his head. "Hmm, The Nutcracker then," this time he nodded. "Every Sunday?" he nodded once more looking at his empty glass.

"And Friday."

"Then it must be at the _Mariinsky!_ What will you do during weekdays?"

Kai felt bad at how the conversation was going, the guy doing his best to take words out of him, yet he couldn't force words to come out easy, especially when it came to a stranger, and he _'should not talk to strangers'_ nor like strangers, nor look at strangers. "I have to practice."

"Don't," Kai looked up to meet the guy's eyes, "go out with me," a grin showed up. "St. Petersburg is nicer when you have company."

Kai thought for a minute: Should he accept a total stranger, totally handsome stranger's offer or let his two months pass by the exact same way his first day went?

"Soobin, let's go." a raven-haired boy interrupted, a guitar hanging from his shoulder. " _Shortparis_ are performing in an hour, we gotta go," he looked at him from head to toe, and a slight eye roll. " _Oh, no…_ fine, I'll wait outside," and he disappeared between the people in the pub.

"That's my friend Beomgyu, sorry he really likes that band… so, do you wanna come?" Soobin grins again. "You don't have anything else to do right?" Kai shook his head, he did not have anything to do, that was right and a _totally_ valid point. "Then come with us."

❆

The cotton-candy-hair guy was right. Walking the Russian streets, under yellow lights and bright buildings felt like being born again, it was exciting—especially if he was able to forget the face of his friend when they walked together out of the pub.

"How many times do I have to go through this, Soobin? Taking out guys from the pub and dragging them around like you know a thing, when will Choi Beomgyu have a rest!?"

"Shut up, you've never been through this," Beomgyu rolled his eyes once again, it seemed like that was something he was used to doing.

"Boohoo, you never roll with it," and a never-ending session of eyes rolling took place between the boys, of course, Kai did not know what to do, and he stood there waiting for it to end, he found interesting the way the boys seemed to understand each other just by the roll of their eyes, _long time friends,_ Kai thought and was reminded of his own, maybe if they were here, he wouldn’t be between these two.

"I said shut up," the pink-haired boy laughs one last time, trying to make his friend's stone-cold face break, _mission_ _impossible_.

"Anyway, what's his name again?" Soobin's confused face and pouted lips were the _real_ breaking point, that made the raven-haired boy crackle. " _You_ IDIOT don't even know his name, and _you_ invited him to a concert?"

"My name is Kai..."

"Damn! He speaks Korean?" Beomgyu's mouth became a big circle, "I've fucked up big time with what I said earlier…" he shook his head and murmured, "no place for regret, no place for regret."

Soobin whispered, "fool," loud enough for Beomgyu to humph.

"Look, Kai, _Shortparis_ isn't a band for anyone, I've been noticed you play classical music so take your fancy chords and go home."

"You are being mean at this point!" Soobin said.

"Yah, Choi Soobin, this was our night out!"

"He's meeting town, let's show him!"

"You show him!"

"I will!" Beomgyu left, with his guitar hanging from the side and his eyebrows colliding.

"You two seem very close," Kai pointed out, more like a coping mechanism.

"We are," Soobin’s face relaxed and a smile showed up again, "we met in high school because we loved to play and a few years ago we came here and started our band, _Piter_ is nice for living."

" _Piter?_ "

"Yeah, _Piter_ or Peter, that's the way citizens call St. Petersburg, it's nicer and faster," _ohh_ Kai mouthed, "as for Beomgyu, don't worry, he'll forget about this, he's been waiting for that concert for a year _,_ he's a bit sensitive too.

"Sorry," _deeply._ At some point back there he thought of leaving them alone, the issue was his phone had run out of battery (he noticed when he tried to call his friends) there was no _maps app_ to guide him back.

"It's fine… we've met _Shortparis_ before, they are nice, they have a couple of good songs with great meaning, they write about life in Peter: don't let the pretty façades of the city fool you, but don't be engulfed in the bad side of it either," a big sigh came out of his mouth, maybe he really wanted to go, or was it something else? " Anyway, how's been your first day here so far?"

"I spent a lot of money on food, it wasn't even that good, and my feet hurt."

"And you've got me here trying to make you walk the streets, sorry," Soobin ran a bit to the closest bench to them and patted the side inviting Kai to sit there, "when it comes to food nothing compares to our own countries' food, doesn't it? I know a few places to eat here, but we shall go in the morning if you are already tired, is that okay?"

Kai nodded.

"I just wanted to talk to you, I'm sorry," Soobin sighed. "It was a mess, we could've seen the Palace bridge lights…"

"It's okay…" Kai said, ignoring for his own good the first part. "Do you know how expensive the tours are?"

"There are some free ones."

"For real?!"

"Yeah, you tip them at the end if you want, nice dudes not gonna lie," a smirk started to show in his lips, "but you have me, so no problem."

Kai nodded. Kai nodded a bit too much because this situation he was in… he had never before been in, he wanted to go rest but at the same time he liked listening to the voice of the boy sitting beside him, the nice soothing stories he had to tell were a mystery, along with the frozen river in front of them and the streetlights like stars shining along with the moon. Kai looked at Soobin, a bit too much too.

"Let's meet at 9, here, in front of the Neva River-" Soobin's phone rang with a funky tone, and he took it out of his pocket. "Oh, it's Beomgyu, wait."

The screaming from the boy could be heard even if Kai was a step or two away from Soobin. _'HE SIGNED MY HAND', 'I'M NEVER WASHING THIS HAND AGAIN', 'WAIT UGH, I'LL ASK FOR A SIGN ON MY SHIRT, DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO SLEEP, THE METRO IS ABOUT TO CLOSE'._

The pink-haired boy laughed, wished him good luck, a soft 'stay safe', and hung up.

"Told you, he's like a kid. And I saw your phone go off a while ago… do you know how to get back home?"

"No…" He walked between too many buildings, through too many streets, but the way back home wasn't memorable yet.

"It's better if you take a cab to your apartment, let me call one," and he did, he called someone and continued their chat.

Kai found it fascinating, the way Soobin noted the small details and took care of every problem, but still found him being independent and… a great storyteller, Soobin told him many stories that night. "When the river is flowing and small boats are able to float on it, this place is beautiful. People wait until one in the morning when the bridge opens to let big vessels get through, and they get on boats to cross to the other side… it is like a small piece of heaven. Grannies like to say that many relationships start in those boats, when you can't go back home because the metro isn't open anymore, and you can only ask someone _'can I stay at your place'_?"

"Any proof of that?"

"Nop, Beomgyu, and I always end up walking back until 4 in the morning. Peter is very safe," a car stood before them, "your cab is here," Soobin opened the door for him and let his arms rest on its window. "Tell the driver whatever you remember, he'll know exactly where to take you. And I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself properly" he slightly extended his hand. "My name is Choi Soobin."

And Kai shook his hand, "Huening Kai," Soobin waved him goodbye when the car started to leave, the sight of a pink head was left behind.

Kai wondered if the night was nicer because he had company or because the pink-haired boy walked beside him?

His heart jumped and bumped inside his chest. The memory of Taehyun saying 'Break your heart' showed up in his mind, almost instantly.

But Kai was not a fool, and he knew he didn't actually want to break his heart, he just wanted to _experience_ love, he'd heard of the silly giggles, the hugs, the kisses, and the warm fuzzy feeling inside your tummy, those feelings he had only heard of once in a while when Taehyun talked about Yeonjun.

Those feelings he would like to feel too.

❆

"I'm here," the tall boy with the pink hair threw his hands in the air. "I thought you'd never come!"

"I wasn't sure how to get here but my data and maps saved me."

"I'll go to you next time if you want," he looked cute, with a backpack well-adjusted, his specs, and a nice red scarf surrounding his neck.

"No," Kai waved his hands, "it's fine, where should we go?"

"I am deeply sorry for what I am about to do, but we'll have to have hot dogs for breakfast," Kai felt his disgusted face coming through, though he didn't intend for it to come out so easily; it wasn't that he hated the idea, but he didn't fancy it either, " _Doggy Dog_ , have you heard of it?" Of course, he hadn't.

The place was a bit _retro_ , ball lamps hanging from a tall sailing, blue walls, tiny wooden tables with wooden seats with red accents, hot dogs could be _not his favorite food_ , you bet, but they were bearable—before he tasted the one Soobin ordered for him, it was cheap and had a flavor he probably would never forget… in a good way.

"Maksim, the owner, gave me this one for you." Soobin took Kai's hand as he placed a stretchy bracelet on his wrist, "it will get you free stuff."

"Is this for foreigners?" Soobin nodded. "Do I really want to wear something that will show the world I am a foreigner?"

"Or do you want free stuff? Besides, it isn't like you look Russian or anything, you have really soft, pretty facial features... deery eyes" Soobin's eyes squinted "you don't have much to lose from them knowing."

Soobin was right. "Free stuff is nice"

"Exactly what I imagined!"

Things went highway from then on—literally, when they finished eating and walked out, Soobin said:

"I've got something I want you to see."

"What is it?"

"Ohhh, don't ask, _follow me,_ I am sure you'll like it," they walked to a hostel, Soobin opened the doors made out of steel bars and held Kai from the hand to guide him. Soobin looked so excited to show him the view he did not say a word in the way, Kai noticed this from the way his eyes sparkled on their way there, and brighter while they walked up the two sets of stairs to the rooftop.

Right under a wooden roof, fallen pieces of wood covered the floor and moved and chirped with every step, Kai's sight was poor, first because the light coming from the few holes was bare and second because the sky was heavily clouded.

"Is this safe to walk on?" the floor chirped with every step.

"Yup, just watch your head," _is the roof falling?_ Kai wanted to ask, but at the end, he saw where they were going… light entering from the outside, a tiny door.

Saint Petersburg roofs...

_Fucking heights._

"Don't worry, you won't fall," Soobin probably noticed from the way Kai's hands had started to shake, just a little.

"How are you so sure?" for Kai, heights had never been his forte; the first time he had tried to climb up on a tree it didn't end up well, the climbing was okay… but the falling.

"Because I am here," Soobin tightened his grip on Kai's hand. "And every edge has safety borders."

Soobin made sure to clean a tiny space from snow, so they could sit. He put on a mat and a few hot packs on it.

"You must not be used to this kind of cold, so I bought hot packs," he handed the remaining one to Kai, "I would like to walk you through all the roofs around, so you can see further, but I don't think the snow will let us." _God Bless._

"How did you discover this?"

"It's very common, from time to time, not so much during winter, people stay home and warm up themselves as much as they can, but the cold can't take away the beauty of this place."

"Is it legal?" Kai's eyes widened, expectant.

"It depends on the building you choose."

"Is this one legal?"

"Pretty much, my apartment is down there," Soobin pointed down without looking away from the city view.

"Why do you like coming here?" _genuinely asking._

"There is _serenity_ here," the wind blowing on his face made the hood from his sweater fall, it let his pink hair fly in the air. "Should've brought my beanie" Kai thought the same, he should've too brought his beanie, his hair was going to end up a mess, all tangled covering his eyes, but the air felt nice, like a ride on a highway, like the right amount of rush.

Soobin brushed his thumb slightly against Kai's face, to take away the curled brown hairs from the boy's sight, he was gentle, and his skin felt warm. "It is surely a nice view," Kai muttered.

"Saint Petersburg is an imperial city, grand buildings, grand architecture, grand palaces, and perfectly carved statues, but from up here everything looks the same, everyone has to walk on their own feet and look at the same sky," clouded but still a shade of dark blue could come through, "you know? The great Moscow is, _great_ I guess but Peter… is amazing, there is no city like this in Russia," the sparkle in Soobin's eyes felt true, every word he said moved a string in Kai's heart, much like the keys of a piano.

"Let aside the cold."

"You are right, the climate can be depressing. Winters are dark, and sometimes there's no sun for a month or two. From December to March the temperature goes down and down each day but… well it's great for writing songs."

"Have you written a lot of your songs up here with the cold air hitting your face?" _a weird man,_ if Kai may have added, yet Kai liked that of him. Just the slightest bit of… him, whatever that might've been.

"Yeah," Soobin turned to look at him, "and also sitting on green grass under a sunny sky. Summers are great, _white nights_ are bright and the sea nearby keeps us fresh."

"You really like it here, huh?"

"I've fallen for it pretty fast." Soobin took out of his backpack a box and a big mug. "I brought donuts, and coffee to keep you warm, I was hoping we could see the sun go down, but from what I can see—which isn't much, it might rain or snow," he looked up at the sky, "or both, so we better eat these before it starts."

They did, Soobin almost shoved the bread inside his mouth and gulped some coffee to let it slide, Kai couldn't do the same, he was laughing at the full cheeks chewing and the concentrated eyes fixated on the sky— _just in case it starts without a warning_ Soobin had said.

And right before he could take a step out of the place, snow started falling, quickly hitting the ground, and along with it rain fell too, so with Soobin by his side they stood there, looking at the all-white and soft snow fall.

"Do you have any wellies?" Soobin asked.

"No," back at his apartment he did, he had seen some videos about needs.

"An umbrella?" Kai shook his head.

"Even if you had them I can't let you go like this, come on inside," Soobin took him by the hand once again, loosely and still with care.

"Beomgyu…" the pink-haired boy talked when they entered the small apartment.

"How was it?" a face mask on his friend's face and his eyes closed, he was laying on the sofa with his head back "did the guy leave already?"

Almost as he asked for permission, Soobin sighed, "snow."

"Oooooh! He's gonna stay, I get it, I get it," with one word Beomgyu understood everything, for Kai this was still fascinating to see.

"He'll stay in my room, don't worry."

"Yeah, my room is not free," the boy sitting on the red couch said while taking off the mask, and Kai peeked from behind Soobin—not like he was much covered before anyway. "Hi, I'll cook pancakes, would you like some? Soobin, you stole the coffee I made last night, so you prepare the one for tonight"

"Yes, sir," Soobin complied, putting a hand in his forehead, then the friends left to the kitchen and from there Soobin screamed. "Kai, you can sit while we do _some_ _stuff…_ "

Beomgyu followed the scream. "Have you tried the pancakes from the huts on the streets?" Kai did not shout back, the place was small enough for them to talk normally and hear each other pretty well even from the kitchen, he just said 'no' and Beomgyu gasped. "You are missing out"

"He arrived yesterday morning, leave him alone!"

"How long will you stay?" Beomgyu did not stop the screaming, _could he ever?_

"Until January."

"Who told you Pete was nice during these months? Snow, rain, snow _and_ rain, dusty muddy floors… sometimes you can't even walk around town, a whole triathlon outside your house!"

Soobin nodded with a soft giggle, he talked right after "Let's see the good side, fewer people, fewer chances of full cloakrooms, the nicest places in town are open and not crowded as usual."

"You have a point there."

"Of course I do, Beomgyu-ssi!" Soobin whispered to his friend’s ear, "by the way, he'll be playing in the Mariinsky."

"The WHAT NOW? Why did you not tell me? You only told me he played the piano and some kind of classical music."

They kept screaming at each other for a while, a good kind of screaming along with the cooking, and while waiting to finish they took time to discuss some things and ask some others to Kai, ‘do you miss Korea?’, ‘Pete is lovely, I swear’, ‘But you are so young!’, ‘He’s a year younger than you, Beomgyu’, their friendship was cute, like they knew the other for a life, that's what having only the other for quite some time must do to people.

Kai texted his friends in the middle of a cooking chaos since this had been the longest he hadn’t seen his friends in years. Back in Korea, they used to be all day together, Kai would play the piano during their performances and help them rehearse with music, and even if Taehyun and Yeonjun had secretly started dating (only Taehyun was brave enough to confess him their relationship), Kai never felt that different with them, they had always been a bit too close, and Kai sometimes looked from the distance longing for someone too. But for now, he only missed the familiar feeling of friends and home.

classy n talented   
  
best friend   
WHERE?   
A STRANGER?   
ARE YOU OK?   
YEAH !!   
he's nice, they are cooking for me rn >3<   
best friend   
DON'T EAT IT   
junnie-hyung!   
OMG WHAT IS IT? SEND   
best friend   
SHUT UP   
dw, they seem normal, i swear!! they are both korean and have been very nice to me T0T♡   
best friend   
...   
Send me photos of them and their names as soon as you can   
junnie-hyung!   
r u having fun??   
tons ♡♡   
can't wait for the weekend   
best friend   
DONT IGNORE ME. And good luck!! You'll do amazing!!   
junnie-hyung!   
good luck!! we miss u ㅠㅠ   
miss you too!!! >3<

"So what do you think of St. Petersburg?" Kai asked Beomgyu once they had finished their cooking fight.

"Sounds weird when you call it like _that, the full name…_ feels foreign. But it's fine, like half the year you want to stay outside and the other half you hibernate, sounds pretty good for me," he gasped right before taking a bite of his pancake "just avoid Moskovsky railway station at night, Goncharnaya street? Don't go there… all the cheap bars and kebabs are around that place, and you don't want to encounter drunk people"

"And isn't it weird… for you living here?" Kai had never been out of Korea besides those few times his family chose to have vacations outside the country, but _living in another place?_ Though it sounded appealing, maybe it was not for him.

"It was, at first. We don't look Russian at all but people get used to it, they don't care."

The dinner was great, the coffee, the pancakes, the vibe, sitting there between two friends sharing some life stories inside of their warm cozy home, a place of their own where they could be pretty much themselves... and just then sleeping on a bed full of fluffy blankets.

When Kai was already tucked, Soobin was standing right in front of him, taking some pillows and blankets for his own from the closet "How did you choose to live here?" Kai let out, essentially because Soobin didn't seem to mind replying.

"We just… _did._ "

"Did your parents _just_ let you?"

"Nope, Beomgyu's did, they send him money from time to time. Mine were mad at first, but I told them to trust me just for a while, _I can make it,_ that's pretty much what I said.”

"You are bold."

"I am when I truly want things, make things happen."

Kai found himself thinking about Soobin's last words for a few good minutes, he had always been curious about how can there be people out there who have enough will, enough strength to go out and do (or say) exactly what they want, do those people care too much (about their future and happiness) or too little (about what others have to say)? Maybe both, maybe none.

The next day there was no sun.

"It starteeeeed," Beomgyu sang early morning, with a cup of hot coffee in his hands.

"What started?" Kai asked, confused.

"Winter few-to-no-sunlight season, and the snowy-as-hell days" the pink-haired boy replied in a mumble, with his messy hair for he had been woken up by his friend's morning screams.

The raven-haired boy offered him a cup of coffee by signaling his. "Snow falls almost every day, so try to not get out too much, or you'll get caught."

"I'll take you home, don't worry." Soobin kept mumbling—for a good few minutes, and it took them _hours_ to leave the house, it didn't bother Kai, because he spent those hours laughing over Beomgyu's funny remarks mocking Soobin, and their very-casual stories on drunk people they had met or the times they walked all night through town.

Nonetheless, when they walked out they got to Kai's apartment door tired from walking on (more like trying not to get caught in) chunks of snow.

"Are you ready?" Soobin said, before leaving Kai alone.

"For what?"

"Sunday?" _Oh, Soobin remembers._ He had been telling everyone too.

"Yeah, I learned the score already, and we have a rehearsal tomorrow?"

"Good luck then, I am sure you'll do great."

"If you can go listen for a bit, please do," Kai would've hoped that in normal conditions he would've been able to see Soobin's ears go red during those moments Kai felt brave enough—as little as they were—but the cold air was making not only Soobin's ears red, but also his button nose. _He looked cute._

"I'll try," Soobin gushed, with half-moon eyes.

"Give me your phone," and Soobin, though a bit startled by the sudden bravery, complied without asking for a reason.

"Add your number," Soobin blurted out. Kai felt a bit bold, just for a moment because that's exactly what he did—and what he wanted to do, in hopes of meeting him again.

On Thursday, he left his room on his way to the [Mariinsky](https://www.google.com/search?q=mariinsky&client=ms-android-americamovil-mx-revc&source=android-browser&prmd=imnv&sxsrf=ALeKk03nrJYmfw7JhRNIDGO04s3BLPqhvw:1610775536309&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjN9J293p_uAhVSRa0KHeD1B1EQ_AUoAXoECBEQAQ&biw=360&bih=620&dpr=2#imgrc=FtQyXPdEUtSAGM) theater, a building furnished with golden ornaments and lights, green velvet seats from the stalls till the balconies and the orchestra pit in front of an u-shaped stage, the wooden floor made his footsteps sound louder than they should've as the ballet dancers rehearsed.

All the notes he knew, all the steps the ballet dancers took his friends had taught them, he had learned as much as he could from every resource he had.

And for some reason, he couldn't wait to show Soobin how pretty everything was, how nice the piano sounded, and how much he loved _this_.

Friday came.

There was not much to the first show, it went like it was supposed to, inside the Mariinsky theater, all the seats were sold out, the ballet dancers did their best rehearsing, and he was keeping up with the _maestro_ and the music sheet. Yes, the constant applause from the crowd left his heart beating fast, but no, it wasn't as exciting as he expected. Besides the fact that he looked up several times in search of a small pink ball head between the crowd.

Soobin didn't come. Kai didn't receive any text either.

Then Sunday.

The second show was better, Kai was less nervous and his hand flew over the keys perfectly, in harmony with the dance, the orchestra was majestic and he could feel every string note being played perfectly, the vibrations added up to the music and people's faces totally into the dance, this time, after immersing himself in the sounds, he finally looked up to meet the pink head he had been longing to see.

"You didn't call," is how he greeted the taller boy after the performance.

"I should've."

Kai was too soft-hearted (as his mom liked to call him) to ever stay mad, and he couldn't when the boy's eyes looked down ashamed. "Thank you for coming"

"Did you wait for me?" though, in a joking tone, Soobin said with sparkly eyes.

"No," but it was obvious he did.

"You are amazing, you know that?" Kai nodded, and might the gods not let his ears go red here.

"I've been told."

"Let me take you out for dinner."

Over the course of a few days, Soobin had gotten a car to himself, it was very small, only two people could fit in it, and Kai thought that was cute, riding town inside of it, trying to pass through the thin layers of snow formed by the past snowing days.

They walked into a warm café, coffee and chocolate seemed like the most fitting drinks these times, cookies and cream, maybe one hug or two; Kai had always liked winter days because of that, back when he was a kid his mom would tell him and his sisters to sleep all together, cramped in one bed, sharing blankets and hugs. He loved that!

"Are you ready? the next performances will be easier, the more you practice the better you get," Soobin said, cupping the beverage in his hands.

"Yup, tonight was nice, the people and the music."

Soobin lifted an eyebrow, "and me, come on say it, I know you want to."

"You really are bold, shut up!" Kai covered his face with his hands.

"I won't, I can't!"

"Your glasses, they don't even have crystal," Kai tried so hard to take the attention of his face slightly reddening (he had felt it coming), but it was almost impossible.

"But I still look handsome," Soobin smiled, that smile of his… a half-moon just like his eyes, but upwards, perfectly shaped with his push pink lips.

"You are, a bit…"

"Amazing," Soobin smirked, he had a habit of smirking right before saying some cheesy line, Kai liked to be prepared and waited for them with excitement "Just like you."

Being with Soobin felt nice, almost like being under a blanket with a hot cup of tea on a cold day, or like mom's hug after a bad moment, Kai could even compare Soobin's presence to that of _home_ , Soobin was like having your own mobile home, everything included. The fun, the warmth, the coziness.

Kai didn't know one could fall in love so easily, but there was no way he could deny that his most memorable days in Russia were those he spent with Choi Soobin.

 _In his house, when they first kissed_.

(He had started playing the piano, his fingers slowly traveled from key to key but he felt something missing, his tempo wasn't right, he was not slow enough, probably because his heart was beating too fast against his rib bones; having Soobin standing right behind him, breathing beside his ear, the faint ghost of his breath haunting him.

"I hate it," _that you are standing so close I can barely breathe_.

"It is great!" Soobin huffed as if his own work he was talking about.

"It's not."

"Do you not believe me?" Soobin held Kai's chin and turned it his way. "Look at me in the eyes," a soft smirk on his face, slightly up and slightly sweet, " _right,_ " Soobin got closer, just a bit… to Kai's lips, just enough.

"What were you gonna say and why did you make me look you in the eyes?" Kai's lips were shaking (in his mind), he wanted to lean on, just a slight movement could make them collide.

"I had nothing to say, I just wanted to kiss you."

"Then do it," Kai said daringly. He wanted it too, and Soobin gave in, with his lips over Kai's and his hands caressing his cheeks.

Kai felt a trillion of electric shocks ran through his skin, waking up every part of his body: his hands, which ran through Soobin's back until they got a hold of pink strands of hair and pulled them a bit from time to time; his heart, that instead of just bumping started running in circles unknowing of what to do; and his mouth, occasionally biting, the plump soft lips of the boy holding him softly from the neck, warm hands against his skin.

"It is great, I wasn't lying," Soobin said, out of breath. "You'll crush them, I'm sure," he giggled, "I believe in you" Kai's heart felt full, no missing pieces.)

_The Christmas they spent together._

(Inside their room, with Beomgyu and a few bottles of vodka over them.

"Soobin," Beomgyu mumbled, the words being dragged. "I've got no gift for you… but this boy," he patted Kai's head, "this boy will make up for it."

"What?" Kai said because he didn't listen to the full conversation and he was about to fall asleep.

That was everything he was able to remember from Christmas, the morning after Soobin and he woke up hugging each other, Kai wanted to stay like that for longer but it was Soobin's turn to cook breakfast. The memory was blurry.)

_Their New Year celebration._

(While looking at the dark sky from the roof—Kai accepted to go up, only if Soobin never let go of him, and the latter couldn't refuse—with the moon shining brightly over them, they waited for the fireworks to start. Beomgyu made sure of putting up an alarm at 11:59 so they didn't miss the countdown.

When it rang, and thousands of colored lights filled the sky, Soobin made sure to look Kai in the eyes and hold him tight near him. This, Kai remembers without fail, without holes or missing words, because Soobin said:

"In my arms, you will always find a home when you feel homeless," just to embrace him in his arms right after. They even ignored the way Beomgyu screamed 'Happy New Year!' and walked down there as soon as he could.

Kai felt at home, there was no doubt about that, and he would've not changed that for any other feeling in the world. He had told Soobin once, while they took their daily short walks under soft falling snow, about how home felt so far away and he found himself feeling down every now and then. But it was comforting, to have Soobin by his side.)

His time in Russia was like that.

Soobin waited for him every Sunday outside the Mariinsky, and Kai waited for Soobin every other day in the pub where they first met. It was nice, looking at the boy singing with his soul, with deep and high notes, full of colors and harmony.

Then every other night, when the snow didn't awfully fall from the sky —and if it did they still carried _an_ umbrella, they walked down, appreciating the small things Russia had to offer: full lighted streets, that looked almost golden in contrast with a deep blue sky and white sprinkled over trees and buildings, out of a [movie](https://i.imgur.com/io8E3sI.jpg).

"Take your hand out," Soobin demanded in a pout.

"But it's going to freeze," it had happened before when he tried to text his friends and at some point, he couldn't feel his fingers anymore.

"Don't worry about that," Kai frowned at the thought of his hand instantly becoming ice when the gloves got off of his hand, but he complied anyway. As quickly as the cold started running through his fingers he found his hand inside the coat's pocket of his companion, one hand over the other, laced warm fingers. "I got you"

So, there, with Soobin walking by his side, his hands could never be cold, not by the snow or by the rain, he then wanted to let himself be loved and love back, time was not about anything else but the boy by his side.

"My lips are freezing," Kai complained.

"Let me help then."

Warm tender hands cupped and smooched his face just to be followed by sweet soft lips and then kisses all over his face.

A tight hug right after.

From then on the days passed beautifully, some of them his room was empty and Soobin's was full, and vice versa.

Then, on the days it was Beomgyu's turn to cook, Soobin was the designated one shopping for food, so he chatted with Beomgyu for a while, but Kai always remembered their very last conversation:

"He's great with you," Beomgyu mumbled, a tint of sadness in his voice.

"He's been kind, without a doubt."

"No, no, he's great to you but he's better when you're around, do you get me? He's used to being approached, even when we met I talked to him first asking for a guitar pick" the boy smiles at the memory "Soobin has an eye for people, he is caring and kind, he is warm and fleeting… he rarely stays in one place but loves staying at home, he's not the type to lead or have initiative but the one who solves the problems… I usually cause. Did you cast a spell on him?"

Kai's stare fell to the ground, "I wish," inevitably, Kai's last days in Russia consisted of thinking a lot, about saying goodbye or choosing to try.

"I always knew you'd stay, it just felt weird having to share my best friend with someone," Beomgyu looked down at his cup of coffee.

Kai had felt like that once in a while when Taehyun and Yeonjun rambled about dancing and the former stared at Yeonjun with puppy eyes, for the times both of them went out alone and he knew much later about it, thanks to Taehyun.

Beomgyu talked again, but this time, he murmured, "he told you that we're leaving right?" Kai had talked about it with Soobin before, he just wanted to erase those memories, because it felt like it was the end. "Don't forget about him, he's trying to be strong… but he is just a ball full of feelings he doesn't understand, I bet he'll wait for you. So, please… wait for him."

And it really was the end.

#  **Changing**

The last time they talked, Soobin took him to a 'secret place', that's what he called it on their way, right after waiting for him outside the theater for one of his last shows. It was inside of the _'Biblioteka'_ , and it indeed looked like a library at first, although with very few books. Kai found it cute how Soobin repeated the directions over and over again _straight, right, left, behind the curtains, green door_ to the point he had learned the way too, but he didn't need to because the taller boy held his hand and walked him all the way: _all the way to the end, then to the left_ until a green door much like the other ones.

"I made a reservation here?" Soobin said proud of himself.

"In the bathroom?"

Soobin crackled, but he didn't say a thing, he knocked on the door they were standing in front of. A small window revealed _only_ the blue eyes of a man standing on the other side.

"Reservation?" he whispered with mystery in his voice.

"Soobin, 23 o'clock."

They were let in just like that. A small secret restaurant under a plaza… unbelievable, like Narnia but in a bathroom, Kai thought, and the thought remained once inside because the place was cozy, warm, and _magical_. Wood was an important part of the place, from the floor to the furniture and let alone the brownish marble walls, and an antique painting hanging from beige walls.

"Welcome to _Apteka!"_ the waiter said.

"How did you know about this place?" Kai whispered once they sat.

"Beomgyu told me about it, he said it was pretty cool and I thought it would be nice to eat here."

"It is nice…"

"I know right? Beomgyu said they prepare your drink as if a magic beverage were inside of test tubes and all" he was visibly excited, from the way his hands flew at each word, to his feet moving up and down under the table. But Kai wanted to talk about _it._

"Have you thought about it…?" Kai said, with fear.

"What?" Clearly, the boy didn't want to bring that up, Soobin curled his blue hair looking away, he had dyed his hair blue weeks ago, it was starting to fade out, but it suited him as well.

"Soobin…" he was avoiding Kai's eyes. "I wanna know."

"Kai, don't get mad, I-" a few days back Kai had overheard a conversation. That's always how things go wrong, don't they?

Soobin's band got noticed by quite a big group who offered them a nice contract and some world tours as opening acts, they couldn't reject that chance. There was no way Kai was not happy after seeing Soobin working so hard and of course, Soobin hadn't told him.

"Why can't you just share the news with me?" he was desperate.

"Because I don't want to ruin our moment."

"We'll say goodbye at some point but that doesn't mean we won't ever meet again."

"That's not realistic, Kai."

"You can call my number…"

Soobin gave up then, to the deer eyes he had fallen for since the first time. "Then I'll take a piece of you with me around the world, and I'll make sure to take care of it if you promise me one thing."

"Fine, I can do that."

"Don't wait for me."

❆

_"Don't wait for me."_

_"How can you ask that of me? How can I not wait for you?"_

_"Because I don't know how long I will take to come back to you so don't be childish and… stop it here."_

_"Hyung… you can't-"_

Were words that repeated in his mind, constantly.

It was unexpected, their end. Maybe it was too much fire in an icy cold place, too much that everything melted and then started to burn until it became ashes.

Was that how it was supposed to go?

Kai was sure it wasn't… even supposed to happen, and he couldn't forgive himself for running out of there with teary eyes and a clouded mind, for not speaking up, and for not being brave enough to send a text saying 'good luck' at least, because what could that change? if they wouldn't ever see each other again…

❆

_What was it?_ His aching heart, beating slowly instead of rushing before the audition of his life, for which he didn’t care as much anymore.

“Your turn, Kai-ssi,” his teacher said, with his hands on his chest. “I trust you.”

Kai didn’t feel much but the weight of expectations over him, his mom who always gave him the best she could, his teacher who had given him the chance to know outside the place he was born, and his friends who counted on him winning everything.

The day of the competition, it was raining, it wouldn't stop anytime soon, just the way his heart ached and trembled no matter how much he tried to calm his breath.

So while playing the down-paced melody by Satie, Kai tried to focus his attention on any other possible memory; and he expected (yet did not prevent) that his mind would instantly go to Russia, inside a tiny house playing the piano for _him,_ thinking about his name provoked pain and playing with that memory invading his mind was harsh.

And it was also perfect because with every note his mind took him to each place Soobin had shown him, the roof, the river, the snowy streets and the cold air overshadowed by a warm touch... and he remembered the hands, the love, and the pain, what was it? _Regret? Longing?_

A drop of water fell on his hand, except it wasn't water, but the drop of a tear.

While hunched on the piano, letting his fingers slowly walk from a key to another, from memory to another, and with tears rolling down on his cheeks… He couldn’t help but wonder: _how much pain could a man cause?_ _And how long would it last?_

Soobin's face lingered inside his mind for a long time, despite the chain of events that happened after such performance.

Because not only he won the competition by moving the jury with his emotional wrecking performance, but his teacher would send the video to _the Cliburn,_ a major piano competition that could give him a _way_ bigger audience.

That one was the next step, and while feeling in his heart a void impossible to fill, he had to rehearse piano pieces over and over again, without the joy of it... he was missing a part of himself, then maybe Soobin didn't lie when he said he'd take a part of him in his travel around the world, Soobin never said which piece he would take, but Kai was sure it was at least more than half of his heart.

How funny.

That it ended like that. In regret.

But at least he got it all, and he constantly won every competition till the very last. He got his prize and he got fame, he also got the pain.

Was it like that he became known for his emotional presentations and the occasional tears?

The pain made a home inside his heart like the memories' inside his mind, and it was probably the memories' fault for his constant reminiscing.

Though it didn't hurt as many years later, it had become something he was used to by now.

To the empty and the void. To the memories of a short-lived, young love.

He made a name for himself based on that one Gymnopédie interpretation. Maybe it was a curse that the very song that made his name known all around the world was such that reminded him of his first love. Of a love that even after years, he could not completely forget.

#  **Warm**

Water was flowing now, the air was not cold anymore, the colors on the buildings shone with the sunlight over them, golden was the brightest, it felt different and warm on its own, but of course, years after being here his mind couldn't help but wonder where and how could he find the boy he met many years ago, not only he knew it was impossible and totally a fantasy… but he liked to believe that even the impossible things could be possible with a bit of faith (or luck).

He walked down the streets around the waterways, this season the boats could finally flow on the water and people traveled on them. This season parks and gardens were green covered in flowers and trees, wouldn't it be delightful to see it all again with company instead of walking the [path](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/Travel/Destinations/Europe/Russia/st-petersburg/st-petersburg-lead-guide.jpg?impolicy=logo-overlay) alone? Just like the old times.

But how to find someone to walk with? And how to find Choi Soobin after seven years?

Kai knew July brought with it the famous [White Nights](https://drwyjmricaxm7.cloudfront.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/White-Nights-in-St-Petersburg.jpg) he had heard a lot about, it was 11 at night in a time when the sun never really hides behind the horizon, instead it tinted it with a vibrant orange and the lightest blue.

He had come back again to Russia to present a small concert at the front of the Neva River, under the bright sky of the night, right before the bridge opened at one in the morning.

While starting to play one of the first pieces he composed, at the view of a wide river and warm light falling over him, there always comes the point where he gets too immersed in the melody, in the slow-paced tone and the beauty of the night, of the slight moon shadow, of his fingers moving slowly around the piano keys, he gets lost, yet that time the feeling of being observed never left, and it didn't have to do with the audience at all, it had to do with a male standing at the very back of the crowd, a male so tall that he could never be covered by others.

The male stood there looking at him straight up in the eyes with a faint grin formed by the peach curved lips he knows well.

 _I found you._ Kai whispered, his hands still on the keys he knew too well.

Instantly after, Kai thought it was an illusion because, after a few more songs, the face was nowhere to be seen.

The next thing he knew it was 1 in the morning, and he was on a boat floating to the other side of the Neva River, the light sky and the millions of colorful sparkles exploding up there. Soobin had talked about this before.

When the river flows and people wait till one in the morning to cross to the other side, the bridge opens to let them pass and then they... get stuck on the other side. Soobin used to say old people always told him _that's how most relationships start_ since the metro doesn't work anymore, people go:

"Can I stay at your place?" a hand on his shoulder, and the faint known voice made him look back to their owner.

_Choi Soobin._

* * *

A few months ago he came back from Russia, after a show he hadn't planned —but still became news—, so the curiosity about it had no end in the media.

 _How was Europe?_ He looks at the question printed on the paper once again, "Europe was… magical," it had always been, it never mattered how awful the weather was, how much pain it left or how much happiness it brought, it was not one or the other, it was everything.

Just like Soobin, it was magical, and just for Soobin, he would do it all again.

"Let's go," a voice says from the door's frame, "you didn't drink the coffee I sent you?" the man whines, and his eyes become small. "It's gone cold now," he fuzzes.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Kai leaves the papers on the table and hurries to hug the boy, he is hugged back, and it feels warm all over again. "Thank you for it, Soobin-hyung."

So _how was Europe?_

He would say, _magical._ It had always been like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * нет ху́да без добра́ is a Russian proverb meaning: _every cloud has a silver lining_ (in every bad situation there is an element of good)
>   * I read a lot about Russia, so you might want to check out [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iSBVIHCRdc) instead if you want to have a vivid idea of how Saint Petersburg looks during winter, it is gorgeous! especially since I had to look at millions of photos and people talking about living there.
> 

> 
> **[cc](https://curiouscat.me/apricty) | [twt](https://twitter.com/moaIuvs)**
> 
> Reading next chapter is totally optional and had to write it more in a way of closure for me, heh ily 
> 
> This work is very much inspired by the feelings I got listening to [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/2PCTrOWob0vs0io6pfGOYS) song, this was truly an adventure that left me with the wish of traveling to the cultural capital of Russia. This idea started one July night, quite a sad one of me listening to OUAD song and thinking of Kai playing the piano in an Orchestra, it evolved to this. I like the detail of the chapters and subchapters titles, and I hope you can enjoy the small details as much as me, like the way both loved each other's music and talents too, omg sobs. **Thank you for leaving comments and opinions, it is always nice to know what you have to say ^^**


	2. Chapter 2

Soobin was exhausted, he had been singing in front of a bunch of people since the afternoon, people who were there to just drink for a while and chat with their friends… or to drink their loneliness up. He wanted to go home since he left it—since Beomgyu forced him to leave it, his friend had woken him up at 7 in the morning because today it was his turn to cook breakfast (he had planned to forget about it and let Beomgyu do it, as usual, but the younger was smart) and they still had to go to that concert at 11.

“I don’t want to go,” he blurted out.

“What do you mean? We’ve been waiting for this all year!” and that wasn’t entirely true, Beomgyu was the one who had been waiting for it all year, Soobin just liked to be dragged around and see his friend enjoy a bit, like how his younger friend would wake him up at 4 in the morning because he composed a song and _needed_ Soobin’s opinion, or when he showed him his very new outfit every time he went out for shopping. Beomgyu was a hard worker, a musician, and a fashionista. He was also very charming. 

He had been since the day they met, to the day they arrived in Russia, until now. That’s how they got all of the gigs for their band. And that’s how he ended up singing in a small pub with the few colored lights on top of him bothering his eyes, Soobin had to hold onto the mic stand to not feel like falling, yeah… Soobin wanted to go home, quickly. 

But he found himself thinking about the many times they had rehearsed today, Beomgyu nagging him on how he should put more energy if they wanted to leave that place in search of bigger audiences. Soobin had no problem standing up straight and singing with all his might, but it felt off, and it didn't go with his vibe.

He made it for the money, and how their day was about to end.

Or so he thought.

A boy, of clear light skin and brown curly hair, sat at the front table, he delicately took his drink and left it on top, Soobin couldn’t help but notice the way the boy looked at the whole place, with amusement, including him. _He's new here,_ he had to be, aside from the look in his eyes no one ever sat on that table, it was _their_ special table, it was marked even, and the boy didn't notice, of course, the boy was looking at him, and Soobin was trying to keep his eyes wide open to not miss a single reaction from the boy sipping from a pink drink.

Soobin found in those deery eyes, round and innocent, what he was looking for… which not even he knew how to name.

But he wanted to know.

The very first song Beomgyu ever sang for Soobin went like this: ‘the light in your eyes, the way you look at people, the way people love you, I like that from you’, Soobin thought that was too much, he didn’t want to sing songs like those, especially without understanding the feeling. Oh, little did he know.

It went like this once their performance was over, ‘I like you’ he blurted out, as usual, without thinking, and Soobin didn’t mean this romantically (not yet, at least) but more in the way that the boy looked at his surroundings, and the way tiny things amazed him, for Soobin this seemed very obvious, for his eyes shined.

The boy didn’t say anything, and Soobin had to manage himself to talk a lot more than he usually would, it had been very few the amount of times he actually wanted to talk and meet someone, then on those times people usually talked to him first or kept the conversation going, he never did much but to listen and answer with his friendly self; this time, Soobin tried his best.

The boy was shy, like a small creature in a foreign forest, his eyes became small and avoidant, his sentences were short, but Soobin found this endearing in ways he didn’t understand, he didn’t understand many things.

"Soobin, let's go," Beomgyu said, his deep voice against the walls “Shortparis are performing in an hour, we gotta go” this was his chance to know the pretty boy, invite him to the concert, know they are meant forever... if he accepted to go out with him.

Soobin's heart was about to explode like fireworks in the sky when the boy said _yes_ , and he wanted to punch Beomgyu so bad in the face when he started talking shit, but it was nice how they spent the rest of the night talking in front of the frozen Neva River.

Yes, December wasn't the best out of the months of the year for them, but the city looked pretty like no other with warm lights going out of every house and white snow contrasting the golden lights. Soobin wanted to show to the boy the beauty of a place he had come to love; that's how he fell in love.

Walking on the street of a city that held his favorite secret places and showing each of them to a boy he met one night in a pub under blue lights.

Soobin enjoyed Kai's presence more than he expected, when they stayed all night talking about small moments in their lives and silly childhood stories, or when they shared their dreams and life goals, Soobin enjoyed holding Kai in his arms, hugging him would never make him tired. Like every day Kai waited for him in front of a frozen river, three layers of clothing to keep him warm; Soobin would see him from afar and recognize him instantly, then run to him and hug him from the back, the boy giggled without fail.

Soobin noticed he had fallen in love one night when he found himself scribbling a song about a growing love, then Soobin understood Beomgyu's lyrics.

And his heart shattered when they had to part ways. Kai had left a mark in each corner of Soobin's house, with memories; in his car, with the small plushies he carried around; and in his life, with his smile and each mole on his face... his delicate hands, their laced fingers, their lips on each other. The time Soobin had spent with Kai in Russia… Soobin would call those the best days of his life, his youth was filled with a love he never knew he would know, he didn’t know he was capable of loving so strongly, for their love was short. 

After Kai and their last spoken words, it hurt to look around, and to think, and to write.

During his tours around Europe, Soobin often sang all the cheesy and heartbreaking lines Beomgyu had written for the band, and he could not help but wonder if Beomgyu had ever felt that way and why Soobin didn’t know about it when Beomgyu had always been so truthful to him? when they only had each other for the longest time. _That's the way love is_ , he thought.

“Do you miss Russia?”

“I would cry if I step on Russian land ever again,” Soobin replied and Beomgyu nodded with a smirk.

“Why did you force it and not wait for the break to happen? On its own.”

“I didn’t want him to wait for me, I had no right to make him wait or hurt, or cry" His face went to his hands, it was usual when they talked about it, "you know me better than anyone, why do you ask?”

“I don’t think he would’ve minded waiting if he had hope of seeing you again.”

“Hope hurts.”

“Everything does… you didn’t have to make it worse.”

Beomgyu was a pain in the ass… and he was also right, always.

Soobin spent years like that, singing on a stage with an unhealed heart and people screaming at him with love, of course, that made him happy for a long time, but there were left the remaining memories of a past love that kept his eyes down and his heart wounded. Soobin hated cheesy rom-coms, cheesy books, cheesy movies, not only they were unrealistic but painful. He wanted the time to go back, hug harder, kiss harder, walk until midnight with their laced fingers until their feet couldn’t walk anymore but at least, he could say, they had each other. He wanted it all back, he wanted Kai back.

Seven years had passed since then, but their love was one he could never forget, that's how unfinished love stays in your head for the longest time.

It was July when he knew; he was just waking up back then, when Beomgyu got through his room door, slightly nervous like it was something important.

“Alexei told me to give this to you” a piece of paper in his hands “He was hesitant, but I’m not so here you go” Beomgyu plastered it on the bed “You have to leave today” 

“What?” the slam of the door was the last thing he heard about Beomgyu that day.

Soobin left.

Back to Russia.

It was the newspaper what he received that day.

**WHITE NIGHTS FESTIVAL**

Huening Kai, a very talented pianist will be the closing performance (a small free concert) for the White Nights Festival in Saint Petersburg, Russia!

Every year from June to July we like to present artists who have walked through Pete’s streets, Kai played in the Mariinsky seven years ago when he was still a teen, now a well-known pianist and a grown man.

…  
  
---  
  
Soobin knew by heart the White Nights Festival, the end date was July 2nd, _exactly that day_ , so he took nothing more but a shower, his phone, and his wallet, and with a shaking heart, scared, sad, but mostly excited, he flew back to Saint Petersburg.

The grass was green, the sun was shining on the horizon, pinks and red tones washing the light, and the Neva River was flowing, as it always should. A late noon breeze went by his face when he heard the song he knew well.

The Gymnopédie.

And between the people clustered around a small wooden stage with series of lights hanging, there he was. _I found you_... you've grown up a lot.

They both had.

Soobin knew well that if he spent more time staring at the man playing the piano, the latter would notice, so he walked away.

The next few hours until the Palace Bridge opened to let vessels get through (an occurrence he had missed for years to watch) Soobin sat under a bright night sky, the sun never really hiding behind the horizon and his mind never really at the moment. It was there he noticed he took a flight a few hours ago, and now he was back to where it all began, where his dreams were meant to become reality, where he met the boy who would change his life and where he would understand all the lines he had been singing about.

He loved Kai, even after all those years there was no one, only him.

Soobin let Kai walk first on the boat, he walked slowly behind the brown-haired boy and sat at the very back with hopes of being noticed, it didn’t happen even after they crossed past the bridge and watched the bridge lights illuminate the water. So he took a leap of faith, in hopes that he wouldn’t get slapped after.

He touched Kai’s shoulder, “Can I stay at your place?” a bit shy he murmured and the man turned to look at him, first confused, then surprised, he noticed in his eyebrows. Soobin also noticed the way the once boy’s features had vanished and now framed his face in pretty shapes, in pretty colors, but his stunning and now shinier eyes still made him feel in love.

“I won’t stay here for long, Sir, so I have no home,” Kai humphed, and with a candid smile, he went with it. Soobin had always wanted to try this.

“Then we’ll make one on the way, for as long as you let me,” _be your home._

Soobin waited for a reply, anxious, and with the blue light from the bridge shining on their faces, Kai accepted a new start, maybe a more mature start.

Soobin too would do it all again, from the start, like nothing ever happened… just like that one December seven years ago when they first met. 

Just him and Kai in Russia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. ^^
> 
> **[cc](https://curiouscat.me/apricty) | [twt](https://twitter.com/NlNGYU)**


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